Its time to retire, right?

Last Thursday while taking attendance, my hideous classical lit teacher informed me that we needed to speak after class. I assumed it had something to do with my lack of short writing assignments on The Iliad but neigh, I was wrong. She informed me that this was the first time I'd been in class since the first day.
...no.
no is what i said to her. no mam, that is incorrect, sir.
refusing to believe me, she showed me her roll book and next to my name were 4 absent marks.
i informed her that i did not care what her book said, she was mistaken. i had been absent two times, once for surgery and once for a family emergency. if she wanted proof, i said, i would be more than happy to provide her with my attendance records from the 3 classes before hers and the 1 class after.
'well uhhhhh, uhhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, lets uhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhh, you know uhhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, okay ill just uhhhh, ill check my original roll and uhhhhhh, ya know uhhh, before we make a uhhhhhh, federal case out of this and uhhhh, get back to you'

that is not an exaggeration of uhhhhh's. that is verbatim.

this woman, who is at least in her 60's, says uhhhhh after every few words she speaks and ends each sentence with "right?"

i timed her on the 3rd day of class. she said "right?" 52 times in 14 minutes.

this makes her pretty obnoxious to have to listen to, especially when shes already ranting about something exponentially annoying, The Iliad.

"oh great agamemnon, lord of lords, king of the chysanthemum, son of Maya, the great whore of babylon, protector of the fruit roll up, god of fireflys, bsgjhfskjgdfklgjdlfgjdlfkgjdfklgjldkjdflgj"

every single time you reintroduce a character? really homer? ya buns son.

but i digress...

this is a pretty serious accusation for 2 reasons:

1. 4 absences would mean that after 1 more, i fail the class
2. at the beginning of the semester, teachers HAVE to report attendance to financial aid so they can be sure you're actually attending school and not just cashing their checks.

i could have my financial aid revoked because this nut job refuses to accept that she made a mistake.

she's one of those professors that makes a huge deal out of you having to leave 10 MINUTES early for an important doctors appointment. a HUGE deal. enough of a deal to try to mark you absent for it, which im assuming is where she got absence #3 from.

fuck.that.shit.

she's one of those professors who refuse to accept that you are an adult. she treats you as if you are still in high school and need a fucking pass to go to the bathroom. but she'd really rather prefer that you don't go to the bathroom at all. its too much of a distraction to the class.

fuck.that.shit.

correction, dipshit, its too much of a distraction for you. because you are old, far too old to be teaching anymore.
if you do not notice a blonde girl with a curly faux hawk in a leopard print coat sitting in the front row raising her hand as her name is called, pointing out the passages that you have been looking for and ummmmmmmmmming about for the last 5 minutes, if you cant handle marking this person that you interact with nearly every goddamn class as in attendance, than perhaps its time to pack it in.

because your senility is playing a dangerous game with my education, my finances and my future. and should you not drop this ridiculous attendance record bullshit, which im sure you wont, it will also be wasting my time in visits and calls to the deans office and the department chair.

and as for the bathroom shit, i suggest that you and every other goddamn professor who cant handle someone quietly exiting and entering the room take a valium and get the fuck over it. or maybe a ritalin. might help keep your focus.

colleges really need to keep a better eye on their professors, especially after the age of 60, since im pretty sure the tuition im paying isnt for someones grandma to fail me during the first month of the semester because she forgot to take her pills that day.